I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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