I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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