No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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