Pappa wants mamma naked
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
