You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
