come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
