so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
