Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
