Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
