peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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