I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
