I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
