I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
