im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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