wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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