Cold hands, warm shart.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
