PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
