Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
