The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
