You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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