it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
