my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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