after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
