smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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