I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
