apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
