are you so shy because you have an std?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Boobs speak an international language.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
