I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
