he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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