Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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