did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
These tits shall not be calmed
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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