what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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