It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
