Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Acid is not a monday night drug
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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