when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
People with herpes should wear stickers.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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