I bet he comes in French.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
