my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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