I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Randomize
