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I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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