You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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