i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
