the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
