there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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