My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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