there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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