everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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