We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
