I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
