Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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