I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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